This essay contains explicit discussion and depictions of sex, as well as spoilers for Blood Pact.
In its quietest and in its hottest moments, Blood Pact illustrates the experience of fucking while trans.
In the cold uni library on Friday night, Alexa, a chicana trans student wrapped in her hoodie, yearns “for her girlfriends body pressed against hers, trans girl to trans girl.” She had been broken up with by her ex, Emily, a few months ago. Alexa embodies the loss of her lover, coping with queer witchy porn and jerking it, something she admits no amount of “could fill the ache she had for a lover that could nurse her, guide her, take care of her.” Here, Alexa suggests that there is a meaning to herself she is looking for in sex, porn, jerking it, fucking.
I was messaging a trans girl I met on Tinder last week. She was worried she was being “too much” with her flirting. It’s no longer about what we want, it’s who we are. Trans desire is too much. Because we want as trans bodies, we become too much
Yet even when..confronted..by the manifestation of desire, the succubus Felanya, Alexa resists. Felanya: a blue skinned, horned succubus wrapped in bandages. It tells us it spawned over a thousand years ago “from humanity’s hidden and repressed desires, forming the very thing which they hated: a woman. A phallic woman.” Felanya is the literal turning around of the cis gaze. Despite their reproaches, trans sexuality flourishes.
Frustratingly, Alexa can’t believe she is desired, just as she can’t believe a succubus nourished by her blood rose from a tome in the libraries special archives (fair). But Felanya, an old, powerful force, will not be stopped by Alexa’s weak protests. “Felanya, Alexa realized, was just as hungry as her.” She needs this. Despite having been with trans girls (she is apparently “already quite experienced with girldick), Felanya sees through her. “You don’t even know what it means to be desired...Don’t refuse what you know you need.” She needs this to accept her body can be desired, and for that, the desire must originate from another trans girl who she can share getting lost in.
Author Ana Valens wrote earlier this year about her own relationship with another trans woman: “we can understand each other in ways that go beyond words and feelings — into our innate existence as trans women. That bond cannot be shared with a cis woman.” It’s evident that idea of a bond informed Felanya, the Goddess of the Blood Pact of the Phallic Temptress, whose touch is described an aphrodisiac to trans woman. “Those phallic women who are ripe for worshipping me have a special bond with my form,” elucidates Felanya. The occult setting, Ana suggests, is a space for the exploration of trans sexuality, “embracing something that’s considered taboo from society and reveling in the pleasure it brings, from sex to lesbian BDSM trans sex.”
An aphrodisiac touch. The feeling when that trans girl you met on Tinder touches shoulders with you at the bar. Their hand, down at their side, brushing your thigh.
It’s not just about fucking. In fucking, trans girls find ways to understand their body, navigate it with their mind, and, maybe if it’s good enough, fulfill the needs of that duality to transcend into the space Alexa described in her orgasm: “It was utterly beautiful there. I never felt so whole.” But it’s also about fucking. The touch, the longing, the need for fucking consumes Alexa. In this moment, she permits herself to become “complete and utterly obsessed” by its dick. “Her body was hungry for every inch of Felanya’s flesh. She needed it the same way she needed food, water, and sleep,” she needs it fulfill a bodily sense of self.
What makes Blood Pact so strong from here is its textual and visual illustration. I recognized Alexa’s feelings personally, from the squeezing her legs together while first getting bothered to the puddle of precum on her belly. Trans writing and representation makes us feel seen, but it doesn’t often get to make us feel those very things it’s describing. Ana told me she wanted to create something “that mirrored the kind of sex I love with other trans women, the kind of sex I have with other trans women, and how we talk/think/engage with each others’ bodies when we’re sleeping together.” Though it wasn’t an explicit goal of Blood Pact, it certainly accomplishes as much.
Alexa would later admit: “I honestly never knew I could be fucked like that. Or held like this.”